I'm Meryl Streep and If I'm The Butt of One More Oscar Joke I'll Pop A Bitch

Hi everyone, Meryl Streep here. First of all, I wanted to thank you for your support of the Oscars, Hollywood’s most prestigious award. It was a lovely night, but you may have noticed just a few jokes pointed my way as the ceremony went on. Notice I didn’t mention a year, because I have been the butt of Oscar jokes since the dawn of fucking time. I am DONE with it, Hollywood! I’m not your punching bag! I am one jab away from boycotting the 2019 Oscars, even though I've got Best Actress on lock (again) for my spellbinding performance in the upcoming Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again.  I swear to god, I’m about to pop a bitch.

I mean c’mon. Every year you place me in the first row, right in the middle, staring the presenters in the face. Best seat in the house, right? WRONG. I'm public enemy #1. I happened to wear red this year, my most flattering color, but clearly that was a grave mistake. There I was, front and center, a juicy, dignified steak for those comedic wolves on the stage to tear apart. Is this my punishment for being the most sophisticated woman the world has ever seen? Should I dial back my limitless talent so that I can live in peace? 

 'Business' is what we actors call having something to do in a scene i.e. me holding one of my many Oscars and trying not to choke a bitch. 

'Business' is what we actors call having something to do in a scene i.e. me holding one of my many Oscars and trying not to choke a bitch. 

Seriously, I had more lines out there in front than Jimmy fuckin Kimmel! I had more business than Steven gave me in THE POST. Yes, Steven Spielberg – and business is his fuckin thing!! I did not grace this planet with seven decades of existence just so any Tom, Dick, and J-Law can make headlines by making a dig at me from the dais. I’ve won 3 Academy Awards. I’ve been nominated half a billion times. But my greatest performance yet has been playing along with this cruelty. The complex emotions of Kramer vs Kramer? Cake walk. The brutal tragedy of Sophie’s Choice? Barely even acting. Forcing a crocodile smile – eyes and all – when some smug prick at the Oscars uses my inimitable charm, poise, and grace to make an edgy splash? Back up the award truck, you plebeians. I deserve them all.  

Seriously, we’ve gone too far. Jodie Foster said I broke her leg. Hahaha, right? Tell that to the vulture lawyers now 3 blocks up my Academy Award-winning ass trying to sue for damages. I’ve had a crisis lawyer on speed dial since the 70s! Do you know how passé that is? (Yes, speed dial existed in the 70s, but it was only for those of us who really needed it.) That attorney is on call so often she has a reserved spot at every single one of my chateaux! That’s the plural of chateau, you uncultured twits. I’m at the end of my rope here. I may be a beautiful, elegant saint, but I can't hold back forever. You think I’m not a cultured killing machine beneath the folds of my scarlet Christian Dior? How about you fuckin try me?

This is it, Hollywood. Back the fuck up.

 Seriously, only you. 

Seriously, only you. 

PS Except Tiffany Haddish. We cool.

Grant Lease