10 Tragic Downsides To Everyone Being Irish On St Patrick’s Day

We all know the saying: everyone’s Irish on St Patrick’s Day. It’s supposed to be lighthearted, right? Turns out, we may have been looking at things through clover-colored glasses. There’s a dark side to March 17th.

1. Embassy Overload

Only the Irish can step on the soil of their native Embassy. And today, that’s every motherfucker alive. Prepare to hear every stinkin’ verse of Amhrán na bhFiann. That’s our national anthem, ya bloody Scot!  

 

2. Very Particular Crime Sprees

Though normally peaceful folk, sometimes nationalistic fervor overcomes even the stoutest Irelander. So on St Patty’s that’ll be...everyone. Thefts of Boondock Saints VHS skyrocket. Also, thefts of VHS players.

 

3. Potato Shortages

Never forget the Famine!

 

4. Guinness Shortages

Never remember sobriety!

 

5. Conor McGregor Goes Bankrupt

This dyed-in-the-sheep’s-wool Irishmen (and millionaire hundreds of times over) is known for buying rounds for every Gaelic soul in the bar. If you need to find him tomorrow, he’ll be the guy in the soup line trying to fight a poster of Winston Churchill.

 

6. Excruciating Surgeries

Modern research has proven that redheads are less susceptible to anesthetics than...normal people. Since we’re all redheaded today, your gallbladder removal may need a little extra analgesic. Also, since you’re drunk, ‘analgesic’ is hilarious.

And this is an extra bummer because...

 

7. Global Disease Pandemic

Everyone worldwide develops Hemochromatosis, a fun blood disease that happens like 40x more to us Irish. One of the side effects is ‘testicular collapse.’ We’ve had a good run, laddies.

PS another side effect is ‘sudden cardiac death’

 

8. All Poetry Is Replaced With Saucy Limericks*

Two roads diverged in a wood
Be one traveler long I stood
Then I sat on my arse
Called the whole thing a farce
And got drinkin’ as Irishmen should

*Note: this may actually be a good thing

 

9. Agricultural Mass Extinctions

Every man, woman, or child in existence now has a hankering for corned beef and cabbage. Bovines are eaten out of existence. Cabbage is wiped from the earth. Dinner is downright delicious.

 

10. Irish Spring Usurps The Illuminati And Attains World Domination

No self-respecting descendant of the Motherland would shower with anything else. Sales skyrocket. Earth unites as one Global Nation, ruled by the Irish Spring CEO. Everyone smells amazing.

Grant Lease